What the hell? Why not?: Keto Day 3

Uh… I love fats. I cooked all the chicken thighs for my lunches in one go, and before I tore off the meats to put in my salad, I ate the skin and congealed fat with my fingers, and it was heavenly. Also, I threw some coconut and MCT oils into my protein shake, and that kicked ass, as well.

I was able to make it through 20 minutes of stretching, 45 minutes of weight lifting, and an hour of jiu jitsu practice yesterday with no dips in energy whatsoever. I might have bruised or fractured a rib during practice, but that’s neither here nor there. When I’m not getting seriously injured, I seem to have a real knack for the sport, and I’m really looking forward to immersing myself in the culture. Today I’ll do my stretches again and struggle through my ab exercises before going to work babysitting 400 drunk Irish exchange students. I’ll tell you more about them tomorrow.

It looks like I’ve got a better handle on the ratios today, and I think that’s largely due to the addition of butter and olive oil, which are exclusively fats. I tried compensating with cheese yesterday, but there’s protein in cheese, so it didn’t really affect my macronutrient percentages at all. Same is true of avocado – too much protein to skew my daily values considerably.

I forgot to include my calories yesterday, but I’ve remedied that today. I’m sort of banking on my frying pan getting here in time for me to make dinner before going to work, but assuming that happens I’ll be getting about 2,000 calories for the day. Could I be consuming more given my level of physical activity? Yes, absolutely, by I’m from Los Angeles and I hold low BMI is high esteem.

The more I think about it, the more appealing it sounds to make a YouTube channel and start vlogging in addition to this. I’ve got a lot that I’m doing in terms of physical exercise and reading that it would be insanely easier to tell you about via video. Then I’d have to edit it and make myself presentable, though, which are the two daunting aspects of vlogging that have kept me away thus far. *sigh*

What the hell? Why not?: Keto Day 2

Okay, so it’s more like Day 1 than Day 2, but I already committed with the title of the last post, so we’re all just going to have to live with it.

I went out to see my coworkers perform in their family band last night, and they kicked ass, and I had three beers and a shot of whiskey over the course of my time there. Also, as part of their show, one of them tore open a piñata and threw the candy all over the audience (rock and roll, motherfucker). So, in solidarity with the rest of the folks there, I ate some of the ground candy. It was a necessity. But today I’m totally on track, and I’ve got all my meals planned out (you can see the breakdown in the photos below). The only thing I’m not getting enough of percentage-wise is fat, which is insane because I feel like I’m eating so much fat already. I’ll have to come up with creative solutions for that.

They weren’t kidding when they said you pee a lot on this diet. I mean, I drink a lot of water and a lot of coffee, but still… this is ridiculous. I’ve been adding Himalayan salt, cayenne pepper, and freshly squeezed lemon juice to my water in the hopes that my body is able to absorb as much of it as possible, but clearly a lot of it is still going straight through me. I don’t feel dehydrated, so I must be compensating okay, but we’ll find out after I do my exercise and go to my Jiu-Jitsu class this evening.

HUGE shout out to the MyFitnessPal app that I mentioned in a previous post. They added a feature that allows you to scan the barcode of your foodstuffs, then it pulls up all of the nutritional information for that food. Holy shit – what a game changer. I expected to be spending considerably more of my time today typing in individual values, and now I get to waste that time more enjoyably.

I know I just started, but so far I’m a fan of keto. I don’t feel any crazy urges, and I enjoy and feel sated by what I’m eating. We’ll see how well that enthusiasm holds up. 🤞

Pretty pie charts make it all worthwhile.

What the hell? Why not?: Keto Day 1

Many healthy eating experts recommend going through your kitchen, and getting rid of all the enticing, bad-for-you foods. Luckily, having just moved, and being a single male who doesn’t often go to the grocery store, my fridge and my cupboards were already barren. I figured that Whole Foods was the place most likely to have everything that I was looking for on my shopping list, so I headed north to Evanston this afternoon.

Pretty much everything I purchased goes in the fridge, or at least that’s where I staged it for the sake of the photo. Looks nice, right? Thanks. As you can see if you look closely, I forgot grass-fed butter, which is a staple of any keto diet. Also, I don’t have a frying pan, so there will be a second trip in the near future. I’ll probably also invest in the Bulletproof brand collagen protein powder sometime next week, but that shit’s like $50, so it’ll have to wait.

I’m reluctant to call this Day 1 for a few reasons. First, although I will be eating foods that are strictly within the bounds of the classifier “keto,” I’m not tracking any of my macronutrients today to be sure that I’m getting the percentages that I’m supposed to. Second, I totally railed on a lack of creativity in just titling something Day 1 yesterday. But, ya know… Fuck it.

If you’re at all interested, I put my shopping list (and a couple keto breakfasts I jotted down) at the bottom of this post. I didn’t get everything on it because I felt like I had gotten most of what I was looking for, plus what I did get came out to about $170, which I thought was enough. What I also did was spend a fair amount of time standing in people’s way while I read the nutrition labels of different brands looking for fat content, protein content, carbohydrate content, sugar content, and calories to a lesser extent.

I’m a pretty fit guy and I maintain fairly active lifestyle (walking my dog 3-5 times a day [includes going down and back up 8 flights of stairs], an hour of exercise 4-5 days a week, and I’m on my feet for 8-15 hours 4 days a week at work), so I could pretty reasonably consume 2,900 calories a day, but I don’t wanna, so I’m not gonna. I’ll do closer to 2,000 a day if I can manage it while still hitting all my other markers.

Alright, then! Let’s do this nonsense!

Keto Pregaming

Let me start off by saying that I am not a fan of fad diets. Actually, I’m not even a fan of the word “diet” as it’s used most commonly because I think healthy eating is a lifestyle choice, not a temporary solution to a longstanding problem. That said, I’ve seen a lot of people whose opinions I respect advocate the keto diet, so I thought, “What the hell? Why not?” I’ve even taken “before” photos in the hopes that the “after” photos merit posting here. We’ll see.

So why is this post called “Keto Pregaming” and not “Day 1” or some equally uninspired drivel like that? Well, today I’m cramming as many carbs into my diet as I possibly can. I had a huge slice of lemon bread for breakfast, a thick slice of pizza for lunch, pasta after that, and for dinner I’ll be having the fried bologna sandwich at work, which is on delicious, delicious white bread. My thinking was that I’d really miss all these foods over the next 30 days, but what it’s actually done is show me that I really dislike eating like this – I feel bloated and sluggish. Now I have the added benefit of being excited about this shift in my eating patterns, as opposed to wary.

Also, I felt like it was important to go into this with as much information as possible. I’ve been doing some light studying in the days and weeks leading up to this, but I spent a few concentrated hours looking into the what and the how and some of the science behind this high fat diet.

Keto-deniers (they don’t feel that strongly in most cases, but let’s use divisive language for the fuck of it, shall we?) say that much of the initial weight loss is from water weight. Switching to a significantly lower-carb diet causes your body to use its stores of glycogen, which can cause some pretty serious dehydration, and lead to “Keto Flu,” where you feel overarchingly shitty (nausea, headache, drowsiness, etc). Additionally, increases in endotoxins can cause some pretty serious diarrhea. Finally, some studies suggest that you can lose muscle mass if you eat this way long-term.

If you’re doing it right, there are ways to avoid all of these potential pitfalls. First, make sure that you’re consuming appropriate amounts of magnesium, sodium, and potassium. My methods of choice for doing this includes things like adding some Himalayan rock salt to my water, and eating plenty of avocados (as a someone born and raised in California, this will be a nice return to my roots for me). Taking these steps in addition to drinking a fuck ton of water will make sure your body is able to combat how often you’re peeing and ensure that you’re absorbing as much water as you can in spite of the shift in foodstuffs.

Not a fan of diarrhea? What a coincidence! Neither am I! The solution in this case? Bone broth and collagen protein supplements. These will help to ensure that the mucous membranes in your digestive track are well-maintained, and the endotoxins will be less likely to enter your blood stream, where they become problematic. Plus, who doesn’t love bone broth? It’s delicious.

Finally, I won’t be excluding carbohydrates from my diet completely, and I’ll be making sure to get approximately 0.64 grams of protein per pound of body weight per day. This will give my body plenty of the building blocks necessary to not only maintain, but continue to grow muscle. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna slow down my exercising at this stage.

One more note on all of this: use an app like MyFitnessPal to track your calories and macronutrients throughout the day. This app allows me to make sure I’m getting each of those 108.8 grams of protein per day, and maintaining a ratio of 80% fat – 15% protein – 5% carbs with easy-to-read graphics and pretty pie charts because let’s face it, I’m not doing shit unless pretty pie charts are involved.

Does some of this stuff confuse you? Do you wish I had put links to all of the sources I used to come up with this plan? Too fucking bad! Look it up on your own. As a result of the hours/days/weeks of research I’ve done, I’m going into this thing well informed and with a plan I know will work for me. I’m purposefully excluding all kinds of shit from this little review of my reasoning. If you want to make a lifestyle change like this, know why you’re doing it, and make sure it’s right for you. Or ya know… Just ask me things. That would be fine, too.

Scared Sexless

I am considered to be – and in fact am – a person of considerable sexual prowess. I put in the time and effort to hone my abilities, learn how to read my partner, and maximally utilize my physical abilities for everyone’s benefit. Why is it, then, that when I’m watching videos about optimizing the human experience, I find myself avoiding the topic of sex?

At my core, I am a proponent of everything that they’re saying in the videos. I believe in the healing power of the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual connection that can only come from intimacy with a partner. I believe that through a physical expression of love, we can connect to higher parts of ourselves. I believe that sex is great! So what the fuck?

I’m struggling to write this because I’ve been pushing it to the back of my mind every time it crops up. I am largely happy in my day to day life, and if I want it, I have access to a nearly endless stream of partners as I am attractive, intriguing, and work in an industry that facilitates meeting a lot of viable candidates (not to mention the various online avenues I could pursue). Something is amiss, and I’m having real trouble putting what that something is into words.

Nearly two years ago, one of my exes and I gave it another shot. We were – in my mind – the meant-to-be-together type. We share a bond that goes beyond time and space. As it turns out, we are not meant to be together in a romantic capacity, and are now incredible friends, but I think the dissolution of our romantic potential really fucked with my head in ways that I haven’t been willing to acknowledge. I have no real desire to reignite that flame because we really did put in the effort, and it drove me to actual madness (viscerally screaming at the top of my lungs and pounding on my steering wheel as I spoke with on the phone toward the end) when it became obvious that no matter what we did, it just wasn’t going to work.

It’s worth noting that since then, I have had meaningful sexual and romantic connections, but I’ve let those flames whither while I pursue other things in my life that are more me-centric. What the fuck is it that I’m looking for? What do I want? Why have I lost connection with my sexual self, and how do I go about reconnecting? Am I just destined to be asexual to some degree now?

My dog certainly eats up a lot of my energy in terms of connecting with people. Today, my friend invited me out to just chill on the beach, and instead of doing that, I’m sitting next to my dog typing this nonsense. I feel small tinges of resentment toward my pup for that, but I know in my heart that I’m using him as a scapegoat, and that there’s something inside me that’s causing this. A sadness, I suppose.

As someone in the night life industry, I often see real love pass between the eyes of two patrons at my bar. I see the connection, the softness, the warmth, the kindness, and the longing as two people sit closely together and talk about the nothings in their day. As I am a student of human emotion, I’m good at mimicking shit like that for short-term gains, but I DON’T WANT THOSE GAINS! (okay, I a little bit want those gains, but I also want other things more).

I want to FEEL what’s behind their eyes. I want someone to FEEL that right back at me. I want that next level shit they’re on.

When I was going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings with some regularity, I was encouraged to find a higher power. Initially, I was resistant to the whole notion because I’m an atheist and that sounded like some theist “get on our bandwagon” bullshit to me, but eventually someone told me that it didn’t have to be God or Jesus or Buddha (let’s be real, most of them were just talking about God and Jesus). It could be anything that was bigger than oneself – anything that served as a reminder that there is more than just the individual. My higher power was Love.

Do I have love in my life? I most certainly do. I have the love of my family and my friends and those are real and I express them on a regular basis with the utmost sincerity and meaning. But it’s not the same. It’s not that earth-shattering, time and space nullifying, universe-connecting kind of shit.

Ultimately, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I’ll be hurt again. I’m afraid that if and when my life takes me toward my next destination, I’ll have to leave it behind. I’m stopping myself from even the remotest potential of real connection because I don’t want to feel that deep sense of loss that stole my sanity. I’m still hurting from the last one, and the thought of jumping in with both feet again scares the fuck out of me.

Hm. I’ll be honest – that last sentence is not where I expected to end up when I started writing about sex. On my walk home from the coffee shop, I mentally wrote out something much more along the lines of, “orgasm isn’t even what I’m after, it’s the tantric, meditative melding of minds I’m looking for.” Still a good, accurate line, but damn did this go deeper than I thought it would.

I’m scared. I don’t know how to address that, yet, but writing it feels like a step in the right direction. Hopefully the next step will reveal itself sometime soon. Until then – I love you. Thank you for being here.

Author’s Note: Had I stopped there, it would have been 969 words, and that number made me laugh out loud.

I Also Do Healthy Things: Upper Body

Honestly, a lot of my exercising is aimed at increasing upper body muscle mass. With the amount of time I’m on my feet at work and out walking my dog, my willingness to engage in cardio is nonexistent. Also, the more muscle you have, the more calories your body is burning at a standstill, so it’s easier to keep my belly fat at bay.

Granted, I do a decent amount of upper body work at work and when I’m playing with my dog. Throwing around 161.5 pound kegs (thank you Wikipedia) and an 80 pound Doberman on a daily basis can get your whole body moving in ways I never even considered, and my many pulled muscles will attest to that. But, like I said in my last Healthy Things entry, there’s no way I could keep that up without dedicating a fair amount of my free time to increasing my strength (maybe three or four times a week).

Here’s what I do three times over about 30 minutes:
8 to 12 rotating bicep curls (fists start flush with body and wrap up as I curl) holding the shoulder strap of my weight vest (hand not in use at the small of my back to ensure that I’m isolating my biceps and not using my back muscles to hoist the shit up to my chest)
15 to 20 overhead tricep extensions holding the vest with both hands (hold over head while standing, clench abs to maintain posture, keep elbows tucked in close to your ears)
30 to 40 push-ups with the Perfect Push-up rotatey things

Here’s the why:
I start with 8 repetitions at whatever my new weight is (right now it’s at 35lbs), then once that gets easy enough where it doesn’t burn, I’ll up it to 10, then again to 12 before I move myself up 5lbs. This allows my body to adjust to the weight, and ensures continuous improvement without sacrificing form, which is important to maintain so that I don’t screw my body up too badly. The weight I’ve chosen is representative of the weight I feel comfortable with while still pushing myself – I want to barely be able to eek out those last few reps, but I also want them done right.

I feel like this is common knowledge at this point, but just for the sake of saying it:
Lower Reps + Heavier Weight = bulkier muscles (better at lifting heavy shit)
Higher Reps + Lighter Weight = leaner muscles (better at increasing endurance)
Both are important, and both build muscle, but I tend to prefer the lower reps version because I’m going for bulk. So why do I have my tricep reps so high? Because I’m lazy and don’t want to add weights to my vest in between sets, so I just increase the reps. Improvise and adapt or whatever.

I’m using a weight vest for a few reasons. 1) It’s what I have and weights are fucking expensive. 2) It’s adjustable. I can keep adding 2.5lb weights to it up to a total of 60lbs. 3) It’s flexible. That’s important because its shapelessness forces me to engage more of my stabilizer muscles. Also, if it’s flopping all over the place because my form sucks, I have pretty immediate feedback. Similarly, I use the rotating Perfect Push-ups things because it engages a more comprehensive set of my muscles.

This is the most recent iteration of an ever-evolving set of upper body activities I do. What’s important is that I can do it, I can do it quickly, and I feel like I’m pushing myself every time. Kinesiology is finding out new and exciting ways to get jacked all the time, and it’s fun to change it up, but if you’re bogged down by life like I am, it’s nice to have something you can do quickly that engages as many muscles as possible.

This is also worth saying again: the only reason I can do this and work and play with my dog with any consistency is because I stretch. In all exercises, you’re tensing your muscles to perform whatever motion, and if you don’t stretch, they’ll just stay tensed, which can lead to injury and/or looking like an idiot. As jacked as you might be, I’ll be the first to point and laugh at anybody who can’t scratch the small of their back because they don’t stretch enough.

So. Don’t be an idiot. Push yourself. Have fun with it. Stretch. Cheers.

Screw You, Too, May 10th

It’s springer than a motherfucker here in Chicago, and like the eager trees and flowers lining the city’s streets, the douchebags are in full bloom after only a few days of sunshine. This past weekend, I had to involve myself in two altercations with patrons of my pub, and venting to the people around me just hasn’t sufficed, so I’m back to writing (also I’ve been feeling increasingly guilty for suppressing the urge to type some shit out for far too long).

In the first display of machismo-laden idiocy, two gentleman who had been cordial with one another for upwards of 30 minutes suddenly turned sour on the prospect of friendship. Granted, the guy who was more of a regular does tend to spew his fair share of bullshit, but to most its simply the endearing behavior of an alcoholic. Tatted up, straight-brimmed-hat, large-cross-wearing white dude with a finely manicured chinstrap goatee felt differently about his rantings. After detailing his plans for expunging his previous assault charges by saying he’s on the autism spectrum, homeboy had finally had enough of our regular when he insisted that he had some Swedish heritage.

“If you don’t shut the fuck up, I’m going to hit you over the fucking head with this glass,” he said, pulling the straw from the glass in what I can only imagine was an attempt at increased aerodynamics.

The regular recognized this as a legitimate threat, and knocked the glass to the ground. If you rewatch this bit on the security cameras (like I did), you could see my shoulders slump in a clear, “Please don’t be this dumb” body language plea for sanity. No luck. Homeboy hit the regular right in the face, dropped him to the ground, and continued hitting him. It lasted maybe 15-20 seconds before I got to them and pulled the guy off the regular, but it was enough time for him to land some pretty good punches.

My manager and I were between the two, saw a wallet on the ground, and I handed it to homeboy thinking it was his. He looked it over for a second, then handed it back to me because it was the regular’s. Pretty kind and compassionate post-face-punching, but hey, I’ll take what humanity I can get. Homeboy went outside to collect himself, I noticed a bunch of his blood on my arms (I assume he got cut when he landed on all the broken glass), then he was gone into the night.

Fast forward to that evening (the next day for me, but that’s only because I sleep during the day like a vampire as a result of working at a 4am bar). There’s a gentleman that I’d put at around 6’4″ and 250lbs wearing a black hat with red embroidery that reads, “45th.” Apparently that’s a Trump hat, and I feel like the potential that you’ll run into somebody who voted for a sitting president at any bar (no less a honky tonk bar) is pretty decent. One of my patrons felt otherwise, and thought it would be a good idea to walk up to that dude, poke him in the head, and call him a racist.

As one might imagine, the gentleman didn’t take kindly to being poked in the head, so he grabbed the guy by the neck and pinned him to the ground. I got to them in maybe five seconds, then ushered Pokey and his wife out the door, but not before the wife could call a few more folks racist, so then I had to stand in the way of those folks rushing up from behind me to continue the back and forth.

Somewhere in the frantic yelling, Pokey’s wife chided me for defending racists, and kicking out her husband who “protects our country” as an officer of the United States Navy. Now, if you know me at all, you know that I’m a big fan of the military in most regards. I’d say that nine times out of ten, you’ll get a fair amount of leeway from me if you tell me you are presently serving or have previously served in our armed forces. When you and your wife are screaming it in my face while I physically restrain you from coming into my bar after you literally ran across the street to continue your fight? Honestly, it doesn’t matter what words are coming out of your mouth at that point – you could be yelling about how Earth is actually round – you seem like the crazy person in the equation.

Ultimately, I was put in the position of defending someone whose political views I very strongly disagree with. Why did I defend him? Because supporting our idiot of a president doesn’t automatically make you a racist (I assure you, I would not allow explicitly or implicitly racist material through the front door). Because we are in a country where all people are allowed to support the politicians they want and wear articles of clothing that say as much (though in this instance, it was the most understated it could have been). Because there are no fights allowed in my place of business (no matter how justified). Because I’ve never been a fan of military officers who demand that they’re soluted by people of lower rank because it screams entitlement, and so did Pokey (he threatened to sue the guy at some point – you started the fight Pokey – don’t be mad because you lost).

Pokey, if you’re out there, I agree with you and your wife about a lot of things, and under different circumstances, we very likely would get along really well. But please, for your sake and mine, leave your shitty attitude back in the cold, dark winter where it belongs. The bees are buzzing, the birds are chirping, and it’s sunny as fuck outside. Have a cold beer and chill the fuck out. Cheers.